Serious Burger. Seriously!

How do you make a hormone? That is perhaps a more baffling question than "Why did the chicken cross the road?". As children, we were often told of the trials and tribulations of the disoriented chicken and the many reasons why it would ever want to cross the road. From "To cock-a-doodle-do something", or the standard "To get to the other side", the answer was never really known. That is, until now! 

According to the National Institute of Health, the real reason that chickens began crossing roads is because, much like humans, they developed a taste for artificial colors, man made ingredients and pink slime in their food. The cravings and sudden urges of the Gallus gallus domesticus brought on by the jonesing affect of monosodium glutamate and nitrate infested foods is the real reason behind the chicken's erratic behavior patterns. 

Those same patterns have recently been observed in humans. Additional studies by authorities such as the World Health Organization, the World Health Animal Trust and the Wholesome Hygiene Earth Resources Entity, have proven that 87.3% of all restaurant food consumed in the United States contains nearly 76% of the worlds badifoyasodum concentration! For those of you not familiar with the class of chemicals badifoyasodum, there are many articles referencing its use in the US food supply and additional information can be found by simple internet searches. Simply stated, badifoyasodum is the leading cause of crossing the road for no apparent reason among both chickens and humans alike! 

So, how does one avoid being poisoned with badifoyasodum (also known as BFD Syndrome)? It's really quite simple. STOP EATING CRAP FOOD! For starters, look for freshly prepared foods when you dine out. Food with minimal ingredients, rGBH free beef and organic labeling. Yes, these foods cost a bit more, but is it not worth your health to spend a bit more for quality?

 I bring all of this up because I recently stopped by Serious Burger in Appleton, Wisconsin. Yes, it is a bit pricier for a burger joint, but you get what you pay for! You can go to Five Guys (which I have on more than one occasion) and get mediocre food with ingredients that are only found on the banned list in many European countries and you will pay a bit less, but what are you getting? Nothing special. You might as well be eating slime burgers for what it's worth. 

The service at Serious burger was fine. The flavor of the beef and the quality of the fresh Brioche bun was outstanding! On my list of the top three burgers I have ever eaten! The fresh fried egg added richness to the entire experience and the seasoning was just right. The Truffle Oil fries were nothing special and I would recommend sticking to the regular fries, but that burger is certainly something to write about!

So if you have the taste buds of an average moron who enjoys a burger simply because it took more than four guys to make it and costs a bit less, by all means have it your way. But if you really want to enjoy the flavor of organic beef on a fresh bun and you have an extra buck to spend on your health, go to Serious Burger.

It only takes eating a Serious Burger to make you moan with pleasure. To make a hormone, however, you have to not pay her. 

Bronks Bar and Grill - Lake City, MN

Have you ever had sex with a rodeo clown? Never mind, that question is stupid. Nobody has. Not even the Insane Clown Posse and they have both the words "clown" and "posse" in their name! But have you ever stopped to think "why" nobody has sex with rodeo clowns? Me neither. That train of thought would only end up as a fiery pile of crap at the bottom of Shonash Ravine.

Anyway, as you try and wrap your mind around rodeo clown sex and the possibility that Harry the Bull and his band of Gifted Bovines is somehow responsible for the complete lack of some true bull on clown action, turn your thoughts to a little slice of Food Network Television that features Chef Robert Irvine trying to save failing restaurants from their own stupidity and turn them into Dollar Store phenoms with a better menu. 

One particular episode that recently caught my eye was filmed in Lake City, Minnesota and the location is only a few hours away from me. I couldn't resist. This was going to be a nice surprise or an utter disappointment. 

The atmosphere of the place was not bad and I was greeted warmly and sat immediately. In fact, the color scheme was welcoming and I noted several of the improvements which I had seen on the show. The place was at about 25% capacity so I didn't expect any delays. The long drive had me famished and I could have eaten the ass off a dead rhinoceros! So I sat . . . . 8 minutes for my water . . . . . 15 minutes for my appetizer of fresh cheese curds. Now, here is where things actually get interesting; the curds were outstanding and the three home made sauces of spicy ketchup, honey mustard, and horseradish mayo were all quite flavorful! A pleasant surprise, but I wouldn't expect anything less from recipes by the great Chef Irvine. I ordered my burger at the same time as the appetizer so I expected to be served in short order. 

Chirp, chirp, chirp. 

With very little to do, the servers apparently concluded that they didn't need to participate in the actual practice of serving and my water ran dry. Where's Jesus when you need him? After 37 minutes, I noted that the booth behind me, which had been seated when I arrived, finally got their food. Not a good sign. 

Chirp, chirp, chirp.

48 minutes in and I flagged one of the ladies down and got a refill on my water. She apologized for the delay but had no conclusion as to the whereabouts of my burger. In the meantime, a young hippie family seated across from me had allowed their 4 year-old to play loud video games on their iPhone without regard to the rest of the clientele. My flaring nerves cast a look of such searing hatred towards the alleged father that he immediately grabbed the phone and turned it down (much to the dismay of his child). 

Chirp, chirp, chirp (at least it wasn't a stupid iPhone game anymore). 

72 minutes. ENOUGH! I got up and asked one of the servers for a status and they had no answer. I handed her cash to pay for my now digested and wanting released appetizer. Then I walked. Disappointed, hungry and pissed off!

This was, by far, the slowest service in burger history. I applaud Chef Irvine for his work, but perhaps he should have stayed home and allowed this one to fail because all he apparently did was prolong the misery. A  misery that, along with wanting loins of Joan Rivers and her plastic vagina, would only be satisfied by becoming the enslaved rodeo sex clown of Harry and his Gifted Bovines. 

Taste of New Orleans - Wisconsin Dells

PEBBLE SCORE:

It has been said that "good rubber makes for a happy man". It's also been said that "happy cows come from California", but we all know that that's a load of crap! Good rubber is essential and does, indeed, make for a happy man! I have been trying to recall who came up with the phrase, but I really can't remember if it was Leonardo Da Vinci, the Michelin Man or the Trojan Horse. Regardless of its origins, the phrase remains the most inspiring fortune cookie quote since the delightful treats were invented by Shaka Khan. Or maybe it was Genghis Khan . . . . whatever! 

The only place I can think of where good rubber is actually not good, is in your food! But don't tell that to the folks over at Taste of New Orleans in Wisconsin Dells because it'll just bounce right off their beignets! 

We were in town for the Dells Chili Cookoff and found ourselves with a craving for something sweet and tasty after all of the heat and spices of the cookoff. Well, having recently visited New Orleans and falling head over heals with their beignets, we decided to drop in at the one restaurant that claims to be authentic New Orleans cuisine to see if they had some of heavenly pillows of goodness we had grown to love! 

The staff was as friendly as Katrina with the enthusiasm of gator poo. The decor appeared as if the owners had raided all of the Goodwill stores within a hundred miles and then threw them around while blindfolded. And the beignets? Well, lets just say that if you took a Goodyear Wrangler XT and filled it with old biscuit dough, then covered it with about a half inch of powdered sugar, you would actually have something a bit more edible than that which we were presented! Seriously! I couldn't even cut them with my fork and had to resort to a knife! RUBBER! We had one bite and were so exhausted afterwards that we decided to call it good and pay the bill! The server didn't even care that we didn't like the beignets and simply took our money and walked away, presumably to meet with his zombie minions! 

So if you are looking for genuine New Orleans in the heart of Wisconsin, don't look in the Dells! However, if you need a spare tire for your trailer, or if for some obscure reason you find yourself in a zombie apocalypse and in need of something to chew on, try the beignets over at Taste of New Orleans in Wisconsin Dells. Where you will be served by the living dead and the beignets will bounce off their bloody heads!

Foodie Quickie @ Waupaca Woods - Waupaca

Pebble Score:

If you like large quantities of food, like thirty-seven scrambled eggs when you only ordered two, and you also like your food to be of the highest quality with a touch of class and distinction, then perhaps you should look elsewhere. I say this only because, even though the former is true, the latter is posolutely not. You certainly get plenty of food for your money at Waupaca Woods Restaurant, but I would happily trade the ampleness of my plate for a little more quality of flavor. 

The speed of service matched that of my friend, Cecil Turtle. Not the quickest to get to the finish, but, with clean livin', the end is soon in sight. I was puzzled when the hamburger steak and eggs I had ordered was served with a steak knife. Not a good sign. And, after bending the tines off of three forks and wearing down the serrations on my regular knife, the irrational became self-explanatory. The hamburger steak was a little tough. Okay, maybe a lot tough. But, it had okay flavor and was about the size of, what I would imagine would be, one of Kate Gosslin's nipples. Only I could only hope to be the first to supple on the steak.