Michael Symon's B Spot - Strongsville, OH

Four of Five Pebbles

Have you ever hit the Spot? I mean, the Spot? That spot that makes you moan with pleasure, causes your heart to skip a beat, raises your blood pressure, over works your salivary glands, decreases your I.Q. and releases sticky, tasty juices that run all over your fingers and lips? Of course you haven't. That was a stupid question. Forget about it. Because if you had, you'd be doing it right now!

But let's get serious for a moment. Like Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, those famous explorer with a taste for wild adventures and indian maidens, some of us have set out on journeys in search of the elusive spot without the luxury of previous experience, guidance from our friends or parent (because they never found it either), nor any idea from Garmin of how to get to where we are going. Wherever that may be. You understand, don't you? It is quite difficult to define that which has only been found by a handful of over achievers who, up until recently, have kept the secret of the spot all to themselves. 

So zip up that droopy frown because there is still hope for us laypeople to whom the gods have yet to bestow the gift of discovery (yeah, we'll call it that). There are, in fact, a few that have come before us who are more than willing to share their wisdom and experience with those less fortunate than themselves. One particular bald member of this exclusive society is a talented and well known meat slinger by the name of Michael Symon.

Michael's legendary meat prowess is available to everyone with a few bucks to toss around in one of his B Spot burger restaurants. With numerous locations from which to choose, Michael makes it easy to find one of his spots. I chose the Strongsville, Ohio location for its proximity to mine and asked for the Red Hot Burger special.

The Red Hot burger, although a view at the right angle and light makes it appear other worldly (like food from Uranus), it is indeed quite flavorful and packs just enough of a kick. The soft brioche bun was well toasted but the bottom became soggy quickly with all of the juices that ran out when I gave the burger a gentle squeeze. That, unfortunately, left me having to use a knife and fork to finish. The barbecued pork atop the burger gave some nice acidity and was a Carolina style accompaniment. The burger patty was surprisingly tender and cooked a perfect medium (as I requested) with a bit of salt and pepper. With the addition of jalapeños and a layer of melted jack cheese, the flavors climax in your mouth and will keep you coming back for more!

The Lola fries were crispy and tender while the Lola ketchup, which tasted of ancho chili and cumin, paired well with them. Unfortunately, the onion rings left much to be desired and did not appear to have been hand breaded. If, in fact, they were of the frozen variety, I find it an unacceptable alternative in both class and flavor.

Overall, the flavors at this B Spot were spot-on (sorry) and far above the average burger joint. The speed at which my meal was served after I ordered was impressive, even by the standards of a thirteen-year-old boy with his father's bedside magazines.

The meal was enjoyable and I do believe the praises thus far received by Michael Symon are well deserved and likely to continue. After having had this experience and having been shown the way a burger should be, I now frequently have dreams of that wet, juicy goodness oozing around my finger and I find myself with a strange longing for another shot at the B Spot.

Yard House - Meridian, ID

Didn't your mother ever tell you to go out and play in the yard? Did you go out there with your underwear outside of your pajamas with your Mickey Mouse towel cape and pretend you were a Green Beret, or Bear Grylls, or perhaps Gilligan sneaking a three hour peak at Marianne in a grass skirt? Or was that just me?

So it was just me. I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is ordering a hamburger cooked medium and getting one that is cooked well done! Dry meat in between dry buns is not an ideal situation. Not even in the bedroom. A dry burger patty is a rookie mistake and it's exactly what I got at Yard House.

Surf and Turf Burger

I chose to try the Surf and Turf burger. At about $15, it is topped with Maine lobster sauteed in garlic butter, grilled asparagus and Swiss cheese, all on a bed of raw spinach with a side of tomato Bearnaise and a brioche bun. Great combination. The lobster was tender (shocker) and the tomato Bearnaise was actually quite flavorful but not to the point of being overwhelming to the rest of the flavors in the stack. The meat, although a bit dry since it was overcooked, still held on to a bit of char and flavor which made it quite pleasant. Overall, the burger had good flavor but lacked a bit of moisture internally. I chose to moisten my meal with a traditional flight of brews. At least the beer was wet and offered a nice contrast to the burger. Many beers from which to choose. The accompanying fries and service were nothing to write home, or blog, about, so I won't.

I had a decent experience and I would be tempted to try other dishes and beer flight combinations in the future. So, if you are in the mood for a burger experience that's slightly better than you can belly up to at the counter, try The Yard. It's better than any dangly goat balls Mr. Grylls would likely eat, but not as juicy as you might expect from a three hour tour.

Pebble Score

The Counter - Meridian ID

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to challenge yourself how you think about burgers. At least that's what the folks over at The Counter want you to do. They are about creative construction and feel they make things delicious with what I am convinced must be Monsanto inspired ingredients. Life is about experiences, and if you want to try stuff, learn something or be creative, try your local college dorm. There, you will not only have more fun picking off the scabs you got from your last sexual escapade, but will so intensify your senses from the endless consumption of gourmet frozen-burrito-ramen-noodle-doo, that you will actually enjoy paying high prices for the food at The Counter.

It is without a doubt in my mind that the vast number of toppings available for your creation can only be made possible through the efforts of Nicolas Appert and the magic of butylated hydrocyanisole and hydroxytoluene. How else can they afford to keep that many ingredients in one place? I hope I'm wrong and that their Market Selections are in fact sourced daily and not preserved.

My particular creation started with the hormone and antibiotic free beef, then it was topped with Gouda cheese (a personal favorite), sun-dried tomatoes, roasted green chilies, and the roasted garlic aioli all on a standard brioche bun to preserve the flavor of the ingredients. Along with the Parmesan fries, it all sounded like a delightful and flavorful combination to me! This is what it looked like:

Now, don't let the looks fool you! The burger was in desperate need of salt and was simply not impressive; the bun was dry, the tomatoes had little flavor, the garlic aioli was okay but still lacked garlic and the green chilies tasted like, well, what you might imagine a Leprechaun penis would taste like . . . green with a just a hint of Guinness! The Parmesan fries were dissolving in their own grease and became more limp than the aforementioned Leprechaun.

The only redeeming quality of The Counter was the service! Our server and the rest of the staff were fantastic. Friendly, welcoming and efficient, almost to a fault. A wonderful crew, indeed and I would go back and try a shake just to be served by them one more time.

My personal burger combination at The Counter was not at all what I had built up in my mind and the cost made the whole meal even harder to swallow. With over 312,120 ways to to build your burgers, you could spend a lifetime creating and devouring different combinations! Unfortunately, only one combination was enough to convince me that there were perhaps 312,119 too many. Consider me disappointed.

Pebble Score

Serious Burger. Seriously!

How do you make a hormone? That is perhaps a more baffling question than "Why did the chicken cross the road?". As children, we were often told of the trials and tribulations of the disoriented chicken and the many reasons why it would ever want to cross the road. From "To cock-a-doodle-do something", or the standard "To get to the other side", the answer was never really known. That is, until now! 

According to the National Institute of Health, the real reason that chickens began crossing roads is because, much like humans, they developed a taste for artificial colors, man made ingredients and pink slime in their food. The cravings and sudden urges of the Gallus gallus domesticus brought on by the jonesing affect of monosodium glutamate and nitrate infested foods is the real reason behind the chicken's erratic behavior patterns. 

Those same patterns have recently been observed in humans. Additional studies by authorities such as the World Health Organization, the World Health Animal Trust and the Wholesome Hygiene Earth Resources Entity, have proven that 87.3% of all restaurant food consumed in the United States contains nearly 76% of the worlds badifoyasodum concentration! For those of you not familiar with the class of chemicals badifoyasodum, there are many articles referencing its use in the US food supply and additional information can be found by simple internet searches. Simply stated, badifoyasodum is the leading cause of crossing the road for no apparent reason among both chickens and humans alike! 

So, how does one avoid being poisoned with badifoyasodum (also known as BFD Syndrome)? It's really quite simple. STOP EATING CRAP FOOD! For starters, look for freshly prepared foods when you dine out. Food with minimal ingredients, rGBH free beef and organic labeling. Yes, these foods cost a bit more, but is it not worth your health to spend a bit more for quality?

 I bring all of this up because I recently stopped by Serious Burger in Appleton, Wisconsin. Yes, it is a bit pricier for a burger joint, but you get what you pay for! You can go to Five Guys (which I have on more than one occasion) and get mediocre food with ingredients that are only found on the banned list in many European countries and you will pay a bit less, but what are you getting? Nothing special. You might as well be eating slime burgers for what it's worth. 

The service at Serious burger was fine. The flavor of the beef and the quality of the fresh Brioche bun was outstanding! On my list of the top three burgers I have ever eaten! The fresh fried egg added richness to the entire experience and the seasoning was just right. The Truffle Oil fries were nothing special and I would recommend sticking to the regular fries, but that burger is certainly something to write about!

So if you have the taste buds of an average moron who enjoys a burger simply because it took more than four guys to make it and costs a bit less, by all means have it your way. But if you really want to enjoy the flavor of organic beef on a fresh bun and you have an extra buck to spend on your health, go to Serious Burger.

It only takes eating a Serious Burger to make you moan with pleasure. To make a hormone, however, you have to not pay her. 

Bronks Bar and Grill - Lake City, MN

Have you ever had sex with a rodeo clown? Never mind, that question is stupid. Nobody has. Not even the Insane Clown Posse and they have both the words "clown" and "posse" in their name! But have you ever stopped to think "why" nobody has sex with rodeo clowns? Me neither. That train of thought would only end up as a fiery pile of crap at the bottom of Shonash Ravine.

Anyway, as you try and wrap your mind around rodeo clown sex and the possibility that Harry the Bull and his band of Gifted Bovines is somehow responsible for the complete lack of some true bull on clown action, turn your thoughts to a little slice of Food Network Television that features Chef Robert Irvine trying to save failing restaurants from their own stupidity and turn them into Dollar Store phenoms with a better menu. 

One particular episode that recently caught my eye was filmed in Lake City, Minnesota and the location is only a few hours away from me. I couldn't resist. This was going to be a nice surprise or an utter disappointment. 

The atmosphere of the place was not bad and I was greeted warmly and sat immediately. In fact, the color scheme was welcoming and I noted several of the improvements which I had seen on the show. The place was at about 25% capacity so I didn't expect any delays. The long drive had me famished and I could have eaten the ass off a dead rhinoceros! So I sat . . . . 8 minutes for my water . . . . . 15 minutes for my appetizer of fresh cheese curds. Now, here is where things actually get interesting; the curds were outstanding and the three home made sauces of spicy ketchup, honey mustard, and horseradish mayo were all quite flavorful! A pleasant surprise, but I wouldn't expect anything less from recipes by the great Chef Irvine. I ordered my burger at the same time as the appetizer so I expected to be served in short order. 

Chirp, chirp, chirp. 

With very little to do, the servers apparently concluded that they didn't need to participate in the actual practice of serving and my water ran dry. Where's Jesus when you need him? After 37 minutes, I noted that the booth behind me, which had been seated when I arrived, finally got their food. Not a good sign. 

Chirp, chirp, chirp.

48 minutes in and I flagged one of the ladies down and got a refill on my water. She apologized for the delay but had no conclusion as to the whereabouts of my burger. In the meantime, a young hippie family seated across from me had allowed their 4 year-old to play loud video games on their iPhone without regard to the rest of the clientele. My flaring nerves cast a look of such searing hatred towards the alleged father that he immediately grabbed the phone and turned it down (much to the dismay of his child). 

Chirp, chirp, chirp (at least it wasn't a stupid iPhone game anymore). 

72 minutes. ENOUGH! I got up and asked one of the servers for a status and they had no answer. I handed her cash to pay for my now digested and wanting released appetizer. Then I walked. Disappointed, hungry and pissed off!

This was, by far, the slowest service in burger history. I applaud Chef Irvine for his work, but perhaps he should have stayed home and allowed this one to fail because all he apparently did was prolong the misery. A  misery that, along with wanting loins of Joan Rivers and her plastic vagina, would only be satisfied by becoming the enslaved rodeo sex clown of Harry and his Gifted Bovines. 

Angel's Hwy 63 Diner - Ellsworth, WI

Date of Visit: 03-14-2012

Time of Visit: 1:45 PM

Pebble Score:

I have a job. Unlike many of the folk that frequent Angel's. I'm not saying that they're lazy, I mean, they probably had jobs at one time, but now they just sit around and talk about politics, how the country's gone all to crap, and what color, shape and texture their bowl movement was this morning. And, they wait. They wait for that next social security check to hit their meager bank accounts before it's off to Walmart for an afternoon of fun and frolic. Then they wait again. I sit and wait. Does an angel contemplate my fate? Perhaps. 

Angel's Hwy 63 Diner. I discovered this little side of the road cafe while working in the area and decided to stop and give it a try. The gravel parking lot was a yesteryear's welcome mat and the cars, of which none were of foreign descent, were lined up like a pile of wooden blocks in the losers' bracket at the international Jenga tournament. This was going to be interesting! 

As I walked in, I was visually accosted. My remaining youth suddenly sucked away by the soulful eyes of the patrons who gazed upon me. Perhaps they looked to me to see if I had come bearing news of a pool where they could swim and become energized with youthful vigor. 

The decor matched the enthusiasm in the room as did the free wifi. I seated myself and was promptly greeted with warmth by the matriarch of the group who's name I could only assume was Methuselah. Maty, as I had chosen to refer to her, was friendly and treated me like family. I ordered the hamburger and hand cut fries, and waited. Surprisingly, the wait was only about 10 minutes and my food come out hot and appetizing. 

The burger was not too dry and the words "mom burger" came to mind as the patty was hand formed, the lettuce was crisp and the tomato was fresh and still cold. The bun was toasted but commercially made and the hand cut potatoes, although only single fried, were flavorful and a little limp. Overall a decent burger and fries plate at a very reasonable cost. If you prefer crispy fries, this is certainly not a place for you. However, if you like laid back service, overhearing first hand accounts of the Great Depression, and breakfast served all day, than give Angel's a try. 

As I paid for my meal, in complete shock that they accepted forms of payment other than fattened swines and buttercup coned roosters (which I was well prepared for, BTW), I couldn't help but cast a pitied look back at my fellow patrons as they faded back into their cocoons of hell and waited for their only remaining chance at life . . . Walmart.