Bronks Bar and Grill - Lake City, MN

PEBBLE SCORE:

Have you ever had sex with a rodeo clown? Never mind, that question is stupid. Nobody has. Not even the Insane Clown Posse and they have both the words "clown" and "posse" in their name! But have you ever stopped to think "why" nobody has sex with rodeo clowns? Me neither. That train of thought would only end up as a fiery pile of crap at the bottom of Shonash Ravine.

Anyway, as you try and wrap your mind around rodeo clown sex and the possibility that Harry the Bull and his band of Gifted Bovines is somehow responsible for the complete lack of some true bull on clown action, turn your thoughts to a little slice of Food Network Television that features Chef Robert Irvine trying to save failing restaurants from their own stupidity and turn them into Dollar Store phenoms with a better menu. 

One particular episode that recently caught my eye was filmed in Lake City, Minnesota and the location is only a few hours away from me. I couldn't resist. This was going to be a nice surprise or an utter disappointment. 

The atmosphere of the place was not bad and I was greeted warmly and sat immediately. In fact, the color scheme was welcoming and I noted several of the improvements which I had seen on the show. The place was at about 25% capacity so I didn't expect any delays. The long drive had me famished and I could have eaten the ass off a dead rhinoceros! So I sat . . . . 8 minutes for my water . . . . . 15 minutes for my appetizer of fresh cheese curds. Now, here is where things actually get interesting; the curds were outstanding and the three home made sauces of spicy ketchup, honey mustard, and horseradish mayo were all quite flavorful! A pleasant surprise, but I wouldn't expect anything less from recipes by the great Chef Irvine. I ordered my burger at the same time as the appetizer so I expected to be served in short order. 

Chirp, chirp, chirp. 

With very little to do, the servers apparently concluded that they didn't need to participate in the actual practice of serving and my water ran dry. Where's Jesus when you need him? After 37 minutes, I noted that the booth behind me, which had been seated when I arrived, finally got their food. Not a good sign. 

Chirp, chirp, chirp.

48 minutes in and I flagged one of the ladies down and got a refill on my water. She apologized for the delay but had no conclusion as to the whereabouts of my burger. In the meantime, a young hippie family seated across from me had allowed their 4 year-old to play loud video games on their iPhone without regard to the rest of the clientele. My flaring nerves cast a look of such searing hatred towards the alleged father that he immediately grabbed the phone and turned it down (much to the dismay of his child). 

Chirp, chirp, chirp (at least it wasn't a stupid iPhone game anymore). 

72 minutes. ENOUGH! I got up and asked one of the servers for a status and they had no answer. I handed her cash to pay for my now digested and wanting released appetizer. Then I walked. Disappointed, hungry and pissed off!

This was, by far, the slowest service in burger history. I applaud Chef Irvine for his work, but perhaps he should have stayed home and allowed this one to fail because all he apparently did was prolong the misery. A  misery that, along with wanting loins of Joan Rivers and her plastic vagina, would only be satisfied by becoming the enslaved rodeo sex clown of Harry and his Gifted Bovines. 

Taste of New Orleans - Wisconsin Dells

PEBBLE SCORE:

It has been said that "good rubber makes for a happy man". It's also been said that "happy cows come from California", but we all know that that's a load of crap! Good rubber is essential and does, indeed, make for a happy man! I have been trying to recall who came up with the phrase, but I really can't remember if it was Leonardo Da Vinci, the Michelin Man or the Trojan Horse. Regardless of its origins, the phrase remains the most inspiring fortune cookie quote since the delightful treats were invented by Shaka Khan. Or maybe it was Genghis Khan . . . . whatever! 

The only place I can think of where good rubber is actually not good, is in your food! But don't tell that to the folks over at Taste of New Orleans in Wisconsin Dells because it'll just bounce right off their beignets! 

We were in town for the Dells Chili Cookoff and found ourselves with a craving for something sweet and tasty after all of the heat and spices of the cookoff. Well, having recently visited New Orleans and falling head over heals with their beignets, we decided to drop in at the one restaurant that claims to be authentic New Orleans cuisine to see if they had some of heavenly pillows of goodness we had grown to love! 

The staff was as friendly as Katrina with the enthusiasm of gator poo. The decor appeared as if the owners had raided all of the Goodwill stores within a hundred miles and then threw them around while blindfolded. And the beignets? Well, lets just say that if you took a Goodyear Wrangler XT and filled it with old biscuit dough, then covered it with about a half inch of powdered sugar, you would actually have something a bit more edible than that which we were presented! Seriously! I couldn't even cut them with my fork and had to resort to a knife! RUBBER! We had one bite and were so exhausted afterwards that we decided to call it good and pay the bill! The server didn't even care that we didn't like the beignets and simply took our money and walked away, presumably to meet with his zombie minions! 

So if you are looking for genuine New Orleans in the heart of Wisconsin, don't look in the Dells! However, if you need a spare tire for your trailer, or if for some obscure reason you find yourself in a zombie apocalypse and in need of something to chew on, try the beignets over at Taste of New Orleans in Wisconsin Dells. Where you will be served by the living dead and the beignets will bounce off their bloody heads!

Foodie Quickie @ Waupaca Woods - Waupaca

Pebble Score:

If you like large quantities of food, like thirty-seven scrambled eggs when you only ordered two, and you also like your food to be of the highest quality with a touch of class and distinction, then perhaps you should look elsewhere. I say this only because, even though the former is true, the latter is posolutely not. You certainly get plenty of food for your money at Waupaca Woods Restaurant, but I would happily trade the ampleness of my plate for a little more quality of flavor. 

The speed of service matched that of my friend, Cecil Turtle. Not the quickest to get to the finish, but, with clean livin', the end is soon in sight. I was puzzled when the hamburger steak and eggs I had ordered was served with a steak knife. Not a good sign. And, after bending the tines off of three forks and wearing down the serrations on my regular knife, the irrational became self-explanatory. The hamburger steak was a little tough. Okay, maybe a lot tough. But, it had okay flavor and was about the size of, what I would imagine would be, one of Kate Gosslin's nipples. Only I could only hope to be the first to supple on the steak. 

Foodie Quickie @ La Pachanga - Plover WI

Pebble Score:

La Pachanga is the newest Mexican restaurant to migrate into the central Wisconsin area. "La Pachanga" is actually a Cuban term about dancing or music or something and it literally means: "The Pachanga". But what does "The Pachanga" have to do with Mexican food? Well, nothing, I guess. The only thing you need to know about The Pachanga is that they have pretty good food and pretty good service.

I tried the Chili Colorado with the hot ranchero sauce option even though I was quite puzzled as to what the entire dish had to do with our 38th state. I mean, strips of real beef, properly cooked rice, un-burnt beans and some warm corn tortillas do not remind me of Cartman's favorite Denver restaurant. It was only after my meal was placed before me that I had my very own Richard Dreyfuss Close Encounters moment . . . the meat looked like the Rocky Mountains! The jagged peaks of the strips of tender beef intertwined by cascading onion slivers that resembled the Gandy Dancer ski trail on Vail Mountain were all quite reminiscent of the Rockies and I was happy to have had at last felt that pioneering feeling of discovering the origins of a dish! Imagine my surprise , however, when the first bite reminded me less of the Rocky Mountains than that of Mount Kilauea. Great kick with pretty good flavor.

My experience was good and I hope that "La Pachanga" will survive the first six months. In my opinion, it is one of the best Mexican restaurants near the corner of Cedar Street and Post Road.